If only the answers were as easy as the question

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged but I’m sure you all can understand how 2020 had me in a whirlwind of mixed emotions,more positive than negative which may be why the beginning of 2021 is trying to kick my butt.

During the pandemic,I was able to get the training needed to become a certified peer support specialist and able to get employment in that field all within 3 months! I was super excited and proud of myself for accomplishing such a wonderful goal. I have a passion for helping others who feel like they don’t matter and I love what I do but I have to admit,I was I was ignorant to so many things.

As a whole,we have a preconceived notion that we have all the answers whenever someone else’s life is presented to us…..well,in this field you learn quickly that ignorance makes you lack humility. I work with those who have mental illnesses and drug abuse issues. When I talk to them and they feel comfortable enough to tell me their life story,I always learn something different about life and myself.

This week, my family and I have had to figure out how to protect one of our kids and get help for our other child we’re protecting our 1st child from. I never understood how hard it would be to do that until now. I cringe at thinking I would know exactly what I would do and how I would do it. The truth is,now that I’m working with trauma filled people,I now understand some of the reasons they abuse drugs and sadly at this moment,I wish I didn’t. I wish I was still that ignorant person so I could just coldly throw my child to the wind and wash my hands of them. I wish I could just focus solely on my pained child. In reality,I’ve been so damaged that I know how to help and what to do with the child that’s been hurt but with the child that caused the pain….I absolutely had no clue on how to proceed and with limited resources and help,I was struggling to make the best decision that I could. Victims,if left untreated,are bound to create more victims. That’s deep right? And when you think about it,that also applies to being emotionally/mentally damaged in the past and instead of getting the help needed,you start damaging others. Ahhhhh…..the proverbial victim wheel just keeps on spinning.

Back to my hellish week. This child that hurt the other,isn’t one that I bought into this world so maybe that’s why it seems like my choices would be easier because they aren’t my biological child but that child is in my care. I went to court and everything to bring him into our home. We gave something that was lacking from their life before, unconditional and supportive love. When this incident happened, my husband and our oldest daughter were triggered. Tears were shed by both kids,my husband,and our oldest daughter. I had nor showed any emotions…. someone had to be level headed. I dropped the child who offended the other at a relatives house and began to work on loving the child who suffered. The next day I didn’t go to work, instead work was put into finding another environment for the child that caused the pain. I was on a deadline because where he was at couldn’t be long term and my other option wasn’t a productive option for the child. I was between a rock and a hard place at that point. I didn’t feel like I had anyone who actually understand my position.

As a black woman with black and brown kids,I know the system all too well. I know that foster care,jail, juvenile hall, etc, don’t help,they just provide you with the bare minimum and send you back into the world to continue being whatever you were before you went into the system and many times,you are worse coming out than you were going in. I couldn’t live with knowing that I just threw this child out into the wind without any second thoughts just because he wasn’t my biological child. Thankfully,my dad came up with a solution where I wouldn’t have to bring the child back into a house of isolation. It’s not the best solution but it’s the only solution. I’ll be more thinned out than I already am but at least it’s better than what I was going to have to do.

I reached out to someone who works in a field similar to mine and explained to her what was going on. She reached out to someone else and the both of them listened as I explained what was going on,the position I was in,and what I needed help with. Finally……I was able to talk to people who understood my position,how I felt,and who offered me resources thus a temporary moment of relief.

Being an advocate for anyone that needs help so includes being one for people in your own house. It’s more than just a slogan used for likes,comments,and follows. It requires dedication beyond your comfort zone and that’s what makes the difference between doing it for show and doing it for real. This situation has truly showed me that I’m in this field for a reason and that is to help the victims who have been thrown away. It is to help those kids and those who have been victims and are now repeating their pain. It’s to go those who are on the receiving end of that pain. I want to be the reason that hurt people,no longer hurt people because an untreated wheel will still move no matter how damaged it is. No,this child is not mine biologically but he is mine by law and when I feed him,when I clothe him,when I hug him….I don’t feel any different than I do with the children I bought into this world. Just as I would react if it was 2 of my biological kids,is the way I’m acting now. In all honesty,if I can’t advocate for my own children, biological or not,than I shouldn’t be advocating for anyone.

The world isn’t black and white,it comes with shades of uncomfortable ugliness that we foolishly ignore out of happy and blissful ignorance. I used to be able to put my rose colored glasses on and proudly proclaim that I knew how to deal with every situation that someone else was going through so I get it. So,if I have any parents who follow my blog and are or have had to figure how to help both kids than I salute you. This may be one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do but I refuse to not fight for either them no matter how it looks to the all knowing world.

The love of him and me.

It’s the feel of his hair as I lay on his chest that makes me smile. Hearing his heartbeat and his breathing as his chest goes up and down reminds me that his every breath is a moment of happy bliss.

When he stares at me,I see the undeniable love in his eyes. Even when he winks at me,I smile because our passion is in that one jesture of flirtation. Just writing about that one moment,gives me goosebumps.

When I’m crying from frustration,my past,or because of stress the gentle way his hand wipes away my tears reminds me that I’m not alone and that he he’s determined to catch me when I fall.

Even when we have disagreements and I can’t get my words out,he somehow manages to understand just what I mean and just hugs me as a way to bridge the gap that he knows I’m forming.

Late at night when we allow our unspoken passion take over,I’m reminded just how deep our souls are intertwined. With every kiss given to me,from head to toe,he wordlessly embraces my imperfections.

This man had caused me so much pain and heartache but I loved him as the boy he was. When I look at him now,he’s no longer the boy I loved,he’s the man I’m in love with. Pain turned into passion.

I wish I could put into words how deep our connection is or how I know he’d give his life for me but some forms of unbiased love can’t be put into words. It’s a sparkle of love that time won’t kill nor ignore.

As I look at him sleeping,I come with this conclusion…..we belong to each other on our best day and even more on our worst day. Their is no other soul or being that could match his energy to mine nor mine to his.


A Letter to my sister

Dear Sister,

I’ve been trying so very hard to come to terms with not only your death but your life as well. You were only 31 yrs old when you passed away and although that was a little over 2 years ago, I remember the moment our only living parent,our dad, walked in and saw you lying on your bathroom floor. I wasn’t with him physically but I was on the phone with him the second after he,along with the police, went into your house and saw you. Dad said he would call me back after calling 911 but I just had a feeling that I needed to speak to him and I’m happy I did. I asked him what was going on and he said you were gone. I was in the bathroom,looking in the mirror for whatever reason and after he said you were gone,I automatically said, “Stop playing.” You see I couldn’t process that you didn’t make it this time around. I mean you had been near death a few times before and made it so why would this time be any different? Even now as I’m writing this, I find myself still in disbelief.

After having to deliver the news to family and friends and then making the arrangements for your funeral you would think the hardest part was behind me but little did I know that I would have to battle your “friends” and I use that word very loosely,when it came to your son. I wish you could have seen them scare our aunts into giving your son to them. I was there at our brother’s house when it was decided that he would stay with your ex-husband along with some woman we never met and her son!! I knew than and there that I wasn’t going to play that game of allowing him to not have his family in his life. I listened as your “friends” said they would love and provide for him as their own but he had his own and no matter what we had to do, he was going to remain with his own. You know me well enough to know that when I am determined to do something, it’s going to get done no matter who is offended especially when it comes to the ones I love the most. I am a force to be reckoned with and I dare a soul to get in my way. Thankfully, I had the support of dad and Jay when it came to making the moves needed to get your son back into our lives. In all honesty, I had more of an issues when it came to your friends than I did when it came to your husband. Regardless, we have him now and in fact, Jay and I are his legal guardians so you already know your son will be protected and love like our kids are.

We he came to us, we had no idea he was as,for lack of a better word, “damaged”. We had to deal with him lying about crazy things, that he wasn’t the most sanitary kid in the world, he was struggling so badly in school,or that he had deep mental issues but we worked hard with his therapist to get a better understanding of how to properly deal with him and how to adjust to having him in our family but we did it. He slowly but surely improved his cleaning habits, his grades turned around, he no longer had to take meds, and we all started adjusting to having him live with us. His stepdad would come see him from time to time but it was never consistent and was never really a need but we didn’t stop it from happening because, at the time, we thought the two of them had a healthy relationship. Sis, your son has unconditional love from us,dad and Brenda, our aunts, our brother and his family, Jay’s family, your friend J.J, and from others so know that we all got him.

Recently certain revelations have come out and I have to say it’s been a huge shock for us. It has been a huge struggle to not judge you because I know you had a beautiful heart but I also know what it is to battle personal demons. As parents, society expects us to get it all right but that’s not how life works….we are all flawed, imperfect beings. I have made several hundred mistakes when it comes to my children so I’m not mad about the mistakes, I’m pissed that steps weren’t taken to get toxic people out of your life. I’m pissed that the need to be loved took precedence over your responsibilities. I’m upset because you didn’t tell us what was really going on….you could have told me because I would have held you down. I know what it is to be a single mom, to want companionship to the point of personal sacrifice. We could have cried together and fought together. Instead, you’re gone and the rest of us are here to deal with the aftermath of not only your death but your decisions and secrets you made and carried while alive. It’s crazy how generational toxic behaviors can continue even if it’s done so in a different manner. You and I would both talk about breaking that cycle via therapy and determination so how did it get to the point that it continued? The things we are learning now, had we known then, we would have handled it the Scott/McDonald/Malachi way but instead your secrets became a type of burden that we all have to carry. I’m angry, I’m disappointed, I’m upset, I’m hurt, and I’m confused. On the flip side though, I know what it was to walk around carrying such pain and embarrassment inside and it feeling like a tumor filled with negative, emotional cancerous cells. I think I’m even a bit jealous as I was when you were alive because once again, the sorrow is for you and the part that represents you now. I completely understand the sorrow for your representation now and in all honesty I get it for you but once again I found myself having to say, “What about me and my representation?” It’s so hard being the one expected to hold it down: your funeral arrangements, having to deliver the news, call the funeral home, etc while simultaneously having to always cater to your issues and be understanding. I hate the line, “you know how your sister is” because it gave reason for you to continue negative in your word and behaviors. I want to scream at you right now, I want to fight you and curse you out and then I want to turn around and give you a tear filled hug and tell you that I love you.

Your funeral had people standing up to show love for you and I thought that was beautiful but the thing about funerals is that the promises of help soon fade away are replaced with forgetfulness and while that was the case for yours, we also had to deal with conditional love when it came to your son. It was conditional based on the fact that they got to keep your child in their homes or that we moved the way they deemed fit. With the exception of JJ, not any of your so called friends reached out to us when it comes to any needs for my nephew and it’s simply because I wouldn’t allow them to do what they wanted to do. As far as your husband, if we never see him again, it will be too soon. He’s a despicable human being who, at the end of your life, only cared that he got to keep your car and ironically you called that when you were alive. To know that he not only mistreated you and your son but he wasn’t there to take care of you yet was able to take your car makes me sick to my stomach. I can’t even think of the name of the girl who helped facilitate that into motion but the fact that she did it right after your funeral, while still on the funeral grounds, and asked dad will always be stuck in my head. How do you have the gall to ask a man who just had a funeral for his youngest child to let her husband take the car? If I never see her again she can gladly count herself lucky!!

Death makes us morn the person who is no longer there but it also sheds light on what was hidden in the darkness. Your life was full of darkness with highlights of color that we had no idea about until 2 years later. Your life was lived the way you deemed fit but your death….that came with untold harmful actions that has affected our family. It’s a reminder to clean out your closet while alive vs having others do it after you can longer defend yourself or ask for help. As much as we love you, you have also caused some anger and resentment within me that makes me have a small about of hate towards you and that’s not what I want but I’m not exactly fighting the feeling either. The fact is you were spoiled and in some ways entitled which is why you made a lot of the negative moves that you did. I don’t doubt you went

White Fragility

It amazes me that black people are told to mute our feelings on racism because it makes others uncomfortable! Nevermind that these “others” have benefitted from our uncomfortableness for over 400 years. Why do we keep allowing them comfort at the expense of out turmoil? I’m not saying we should be a jackass because we can be but what I don’t understand is why we feel the need to sympathize with those who have made it known they wouldn’t do the same for us.

A while ago I had a conversation with someone who said that she believes All Lives Matters and that she was mad about George Floyd’s brother getting a folded flag because he hadn’t served although his death, sadly, was one of a huge sacrifice that he didn’t sign up for. It saddens me to know that she was more concerned about the flag than the human that lost his life. She did say that she didn’t agree with what happened but her 1st issue was the flag. I guess I would understand it better if I had served my country but at the same time so many black and brown people have served and are still treated like 2nd class citizens compared to their counterparts. Black and brown people have died for this country, have been traumatized for this country, have lost limbs and their mental capacity for this country only to be looked at as monsters and criminals. How can we All Lives Matter if time and time again and for over 400 years the lives of black and brown people have been hung, killed,pulled apart, damaged, and sacrificed with little acknowledgement when it comes to our counterparts. Where are ALM when we are gunned down? Where are they when we go missing? Where were they when our ancestors were jumping off ships and boats? Where were they when land was being taken, houses and business being burned, kids being bombed? Why didn’t they make noise when someone worshipped with church members only to turn around and kill them? Other than loudly spewing ALM whenever they see someone post BLM,what is it that they do?

I like to think I’m a well rounded, intelligent woman so I’m always mistified when someone talks about black on black crime as if all races don’t commit crime? What annoys me even more is the way people justify crimes outside of the black community. Telling me that white people commit crimes in lower ratings than black people does nothing for me other than make me realize just how far people will go to come out smelling like roses. A crime is a crime no matter who is doing it also people commit crimes within the area/community that they live which means white people commit crimes within their communities just as black people do, just as hispanics do, just as Asians do, etc, etc, etc. I mean,I don’t know how many of those communites outside of the white ones, commit mass killings in schools, movie theaters,malls, large gatherings, or churches but I’m sure they do….. I’d hate to generalize a whole group of people based on a few bad apples.

I mean,why do we,as the oppressed, have to go out our way to make others feel comfortable in either their racism or their lack of believing that it exists? Why are told to remain mute as if our silence is for our protection when really it’s for the comfort of others? When we’re silently protesting it’s uncomfortable, when we’re standing with our fists high in the air it’s uncomfortable, when we are peacefully protesting it’s uncomfortable…’s nothing that black or brown people can do to make the willingly uncomfortable people comfortable because they don’t want to be. They have become so accustomed to getting their way that when we continue to talk about our generational issues with systematic racism, they become defensive and instead chose to tell us to let it go or even more ironic they tell us how they were able to pick themselves up their bootstraps and make something out of nothing. What’s absolutely disgusting about that mindset is the thought that they ignore the huge fact that their skin color didn’t play a role in them having to pick themselves up by their bootstraps, their circumstances did. Black and brown people have to make bootstraps to pull themselves up with and then they have to watch as those same nothing to something counterparts with less qualifications are hired and promoted. Studies have shown that if you take a white person and a black person with the same credit and other financial history that the white person would still be given a better deal than the black person. So why wouldn’t that happen in the workforce, in the judicial system, in health care, in all aspects of life? Don’t tell us to pull ourselves up by the bootstraps when those straps are made of cloth and not leather.

Please don’t fake your comfortability in addressing racism by using your token black friends, black family members, black celebrities, or black personalities. We are tired of you telling us about Candace Owens, Ben Carson, Kanye, Hershel Walker, or any other black person who happily throws their black community under the bus for the approval of their counterparts. Understand that those people do not speak for the majority of us, in fact they speak for you which is why you can tell us all about them without hesitation. They make you feel comfortable in your racism and ignorance and so you become uncomfortable when a black or brown person loudly and proudly calls you out on your crap. I’m at this point that whenever someone brings up any of those names I roll my eyes because I already know where this “debate” is headed in fact most of us do. It’s more upsetting that we have to have that conversation over and over again and even more so we hate that those people are you constant go to when saying you’re not a racist.

We no longer care to make racist or ignorant people feel comfortable. You can’t keep hoping we will remain mute for your comfort. You should feel uncomfortable knowing that you have the intelligence and mental capacity to know that black and brown people are being treated unfairly yet to chose not to do anything about it. What should bother you, is your desire to be so comfortable that you prefer to remain silent than to possibly be shunned by your superficial friends, family, and whoever you feel emotionally in debt to. It’s ironic that your racism or ignorance is what’s actually causing us to become louder and thus reinforcing your uncomfortability. Being silent doesn’t keep us from being killed by those sworn to protect us nor does the police killing us make you feel uncomfortable enough to acknowledge that their is a problem and so we will continue to be loud, to be courageous, and to make you feel uncomfortable because “WE’RE BLACK AND WE’RE PROUD”

Domestic Violence

I usually only post videos under another category on my site but since October is Domestic Violence Awareness,I decided to post it under my blog. #domesticviolence, #violence, #mentalabuse, #physicalabuse, #financialabuse, #spiritualabuse, #domesticviolenceawarenessmonth, #october, #victim, #abuser, #community, #educate, #secrets, #control

A heavy heart

I woke up this morning with a heart so heavy that I immediately prayed instead of doing it my usual time. Breonna Taylor’s death and the conclusion of it is such a hard blow to not only her family and loved ones but to most of the world. I’m so beyond disappointed in the system but that’s not new,I think at this point I’m utterly disgusted with it and with those who think that it’s equal and just.

Breonna Taylor and her boyfriend were sleeping in bed when police officers decided to shoot first and ask questions later. Thinking that it was intruders the boyfriend decides to shoot (Kentucky is an open carry state as well as a state that believes in stand your ground) and in the midst of all of Breonna Taylor lost her life. The AG is saying that the police didn’t enforce a No Knock Warrant but I don’t believe that at all. The AG is saying that Breonna’s boyfriend had a previous run-in with one of the officers but I can’t remember if guns were part of that scenario or not. It seems to me that if this officer had past issues with the boyfriend than he shouldn’t have been a part of this particular case. It also seems ironic that no matter the situation somehow someone comes forward with a story to collaborate with the officers rather it be a gun found,drugs,etc. It’s repetitive and at this point expected.

This piece of jackass decided to not only drag his feet on this case but he also didn’t have the balls to handle it as he should. One thing I can’t stand is a man without a backbone but even more so, a black man without one. In case y’all didn’t know by now,I’m 💯% pro-black but that doesn’t mean that I’m anti-white. What it mean for me is that I love being black and I will always support my black community. I said that because of what I’m about to say now…this AG is married to a white woman,and that’s fine because love is love,but a lot of people including myself, always wonder if that makes a person bias when it comes to racism. After just writing that,I also realize a lot of people of the minority community either were raised or eventually decided that embracing the majority culture at the expense of their own was a better way to be. I understand that we all have to adopt to our environment, including myself but I have never done it at the expense of my blackness or my black community. AG Daniel Cameron is a whole jackass who has the nerve to tell black people that as a black man he understands how we feel! For someone who understands it he darn sure didn’t handle it like one who gets it does. I’ve said it several times but I’ll say it again,Black women are the least protected beings on this earth and Breonna Taylor’s case definitely proves that. The biggest threat to a black woman is a black man with no backbone and a black man who wishes he was white.

A lot has come out about this case from the way the police handled it to them attempting to have Breonna’s ex boyfriend sign a deal saying she knew about his drug deals to the DA being married to Mitch McConnell’s granddaughter (ironically Mitch is a mentor to AG Daniel Cameron) so how anyone could believe that how this case ended was justified is beyond my decent,non racist being, human thought process. The fact that anyone can justify all of these killings of black people is also beyond my comprehension. If people would stand for us with the same energy they use to culturally appropriate use than we would have more of a equal playing field.

The whole system is jacked up, from the Donald Trump on down. I’m fact he’s a blantant racist. He makes sure to protect the cops no matter the situation. He also makes sure to add the narrative about “white people too”. I’ve yet to hear him condemn police brutality,the KKK,acts of racism,or anything else. At this point if you still believe in him than you’re a racist and only God can tell me otherwise.

Breonna Taylor’s death didn’t go over well so why would the conclusion be received with warmth? The people to blame for this travesty are AG Cameron,the officers,the DA,and Donald Trump. My heart and prayers go out to all of those who have been touched by her life including those whose life she helped to save. She didn’t deserve to die and she most certainly didn’t deserve to not get the justice she rightly owed to her.

Tales of a “GHETTO” Keto-Pescatarian

Wheewwww it’s been a minute since I’ve written about my new lifestyle but if you read my post from a few days than you know I’ve been super busy with life! But I’m back and ready to give y’all some encouragement and a recipe.

I’ll start with the food first. I made blackened shrimp in garlic Alfredo sauce with pasta zero noodles. I made this meal because my stepmom had given me the sauce but because I don’t care for Alfredo sauce I was tempted to throw it away until I thought of how to make it into my own. So I seasoned my $5 bag of shrimp from Walmart with blackened seasoning and some Boom Boom shrimp sauce that I also got from Walmart for around $3. I poured the Alfredo sauce into a container and added some old Bay and creole seasoning as well as some pepper. I let both the sauce and the shrimp sit overnight in the seasonings so it could marinate into deliciousness! I sauteed the shrimp along with some mushrooms and onions in some coconut oil and put it to the side. In making the pasta zero,I just followed the directions on the back of the bag. When the noodles were done,I added the shrimp and the sauce to it and added some parm cheese and y’all I was in GHETTO Keto-Pescatarian heaven! The various seasonings really popped in my mouth!

Know you know I’m not the one to lecture you if you’ve fallen off the Keto-Pescatarian lifestyle so just start over when you’re ready and set small goals that you are comfortable with. I’ll be the first to admit that I had a biscuit a while ago and I refused to feel 100% bad about it. I can’t say that I wish I hadn’t had it because I was hungry and needed something to eat while on my way to my training class. The key to that is not being hard on yourself for being human and figure out a way to make it up. You can fast longer than you usually would or exercise harder or longer the next day. Also,don’t forget to drink your water,keep a positive attitude,and only compete with what you did the day before.

I also encourage you all to talk to your doctor about taking a multivitamin because,in my opinion,it’s definitely needed the older you get. I can tell the difference in my body when I take mine vs when I don’t. When I don’t take it,my body just seems to lag leaving me feel like I have no energy and my mind doesn’t seem as sharp. Remember to always consult your doctor before making major changes in your lifestyle:diet, supplements, exercise.

Remember,if you can budget for that dress than you can budget for your health!

Life’s Challenges

I know it’s been a while since I’ve written but y’all a sista has been super busy. This virtual learning is kicking my ENTIRE behind. I promise I have an all new respect for teachers especially the ones who work with kids with any type of special needs! Anyway, how y’all doing? I decided to write on a whim because I’m a bit stressed. My plate is overflowing with responsibilities of life. I have a 5 year old who is ADHD with signs of autism,a 6 year old with GI issues,and I’m trying to save the world!

My 5 year old is the sweetest thing ever but she’s runs circles around us with her hyper behavior. In all honesty we knew something was different about her in comparison to all our other children (she’s the 8th in line) and when he preschool,her OT,and her ST pointed it out to us,we knew we needed to get her tested. We were hesitant because,as a whole, the medical community tends to label black and brown kids with ADHD more often than they don’t but we knew that we had to be more open-minded on this subject because of how she acts. As we figured,it was confirmed that she is indeed ADHD with hints of autism, although we still have to get her officially for that. We declined giving her meds but we did do some research and found that a lot of times ADHD and autism go hand in hand. Thankfully,we also have found some resources to help us with different things to calm her down and help her focus. She also has an IEP(Individualized Education Program)which helps us as parents and her teachers to set goals for her based on her needs. During the day or every other day,dad and I switch who sits with her while in class because she definitely drains us! LoL! We’re learning how to be the best for her, ourselves,and each other.

Our 6 year old was born having stomach issues. He has a very difficult time pooping on his own. At 3 days old he had to have a colostomy bag! He’s been in and out the hospital since then and now he freaks out whenever he sees a needle but at this point I can’t say that I blame him. We’re at the hospital right now and have been since 6am so he could have Botox shots in his behind. The reason being that we’re hoping it’ll help prevent him from tightening up when it’s time to poop. It seems like he wouldn’t do that,right? But because it’s painful for him to poop,he’d rather hold onto it than actually low it to come out. We have to give him prescription Miralax,ex lax,and magnesium citrate during those times of difficulty and more than once a day. Then we also have to put a pull up on him and have him lay on top of pads just in case the poop leaks out of his pull up which usually does happen. Now keep in mind we’re doing this with 6 other kids in the house,with the exception of one they are all doing virtual learning,we still have responsibilities in and outside of the house,and we still have to make sure our 3 year old has the attention he needs. Yes, exhaustion is not even the word for how we feel. This is the 1st time our 6 year old has had to come to the hospital during Covid-19 so he had to set the Covid-19 test done and that in itself was hard to deal with. Having something pushed all into your nose is horrible but then add that to a 6 year old who is already traumatized by medical procedures and you have a mess on your hands. Thankfully,the nurse did an amazing job and he didn’t cry too long. Also,dad is an amazing caregiver and was right there in the backseat with him to hold his hand and love on him. Dad is back there now caring for our son before and after the procedure. He’s such an amazing man,dad, husband and I’m so appreciative to him. Y’all, please don’t take the health of yourselves,your kids,and those you love for granted because it’s definitely a blessing not having to deal with hospitals especially during the times we live in.

Finally,saving the world! I volunteer for Durham Crisis Response Center,where I speak to victims of DV/SA over the phone. Initially,it was face to face at the hospital but Covid-19 has changed that. It’s hard to hear the stories of abuse at any level but I love knowing that I helped that person deal with that crisis in some type of way. Even if they just want to cry while on the phone with me,I just listen to them cry and offer words of comfort. I also part of an volunteer organization called Fayetteville St Corridor Fellowship. We focus on bridging the gap of communication between the predominantly black neighborhood and the city. So we inform and encourage that corridor to fill out the census,to attend city budgeting events, and we also are working on how to improve their mindsets. As far as the city goes we let them know that we can’t be included as a means to get grants but then are forgotten once the money is given. We also inform them of what our communites need vs what they think we need. It’s very rewarding because I love giving people hope when they feel their is none. I love being a voice for people who don’t have one! I also do 2 shows on Facebook live! One is with my sister circle where we talk about pop culture, politics,and everything else under the sun. We created the group,”A Tribe Called Women” for black women and women of color as a safe space to vent and celebrate. The other live that I do is with my husband and is called,”Life after the L Word” where we talk about anything dealing with relationships:love, co-parenting,racism,kids,bills, and everything else that involves different relationships. Y’all,see how I just promoted those two Facebook groups?! LoL! Make sure you join! My last superhero movement is training to become a licensed Peer Support Specialist! This is so important to me because it involves my passion:helping people. I want to be the person that positively changes lives. I have a saying,”your current situation doesn’t have to be your destination,” I came up with that because of my own life. I thought I was always going to be the negative labels that were put on me by my family and myself. I didn’t think I could be anymore than an addict or a baby having,non college educated,black girl with different baby daddies. Let me tell y’all,I’m so much more than that. I don’t have a college education but I have an education nonetheless. I’m no longer an addict,I’m in a healthy marriage,I’m working towards fulfilling my passion,and I’m in a better space. That’s what I want to bring to my clients:hope and success as they see it.

Life comes with so many struggles but within those struggles comes triumph. I’m so thankful and happy to those who take the times out of their day to read any of my blogs because you could be doing anything else. Believe it or not being able to write my thoughts,feelings,and opinions out and have people read them brings me joy especially when I’m feeling down. My kids come with a lot but they’re more than worth the frustrations,the aftermath,the lack of sleep,and everything else but they’re amazing and inspiring to me. Saving the world is what gives me drive and makes me feel like I have a purpose. I thrive in making a positive impact on all those I cross paths with. I get tired and exhausted but I’m here y’all and I’m not going anywhere!

Turning Point

I’m at this point in my life where I simply don’t have the energy to care. I find that I’d rather have that feeling than stressing over something beyond my control especially if it doesn’t affect my life. I don’t know what happened to bring me to this turning point. That’s not completely true….a lot of things happened. Let me tell y’all about it.

I think the sparkle of it can be traced back to my childhood. Having to deal with all types of childhood trauma both at home and at school is what I think started my path of not being bothered. Of course that thought process was more out of necessity than it was willingness so I didn’t appreciate it then as I do now. Out of necessity,I had to ignore the many forms of traumas in order to focus in school and in the streets. If it did or didn’t concern me,I had to not care because I had to keep it moving either way. I also couldn’t care because people are waiting for you to show signs of emotions thus weakness so they can use it against you. As I’m writing this I can’t help but feel bad for the girl and young woman that I had to be. Street life and survival are two of the hardest things for a black woman to go thru.

Another hint of a sparkle of not caring was once again at the unhealthy expense of myself. It was the relationships I had after coming from a traumatic childhood and before I got the therapy that I needed. I was so desperate for the love that I missed growing up that I didn’t care how horrible the love was. I didn’t care about being cheated on because “he came home to me” or because “I have his heart”. I’d ignore phone calls and text messages. I’d deal with excuse after excuse,lies after lies,and lack of responsibility because I cared more about being alone than I did being treated horribly. Y’all,I was a lost soul even more so because at the time I didn’t even know it.

Therapy is what helped me change my I don’t care attitude into something more positive. I learned not to care or give energy to things that caused me harm or things I couldn’t change. The turning point came when I had to deal with a situation that made me very uncomfortable but I couldn’t do anything about. When the situation first came about I was angry and my kids suffered behind it. I had a right to be angry because I had been wronged but I didn’t have the right to project it on my kids. When I decided that I no longer cared about this person’s actions or words over my own valid thoughts,I begin to realize I had the strength to control the situation more than I thought and so I did. This person’s words didn’t bother me ,it was nothing they couldn’t or couldn’t do that would get me out of character. It got to the point where this person tried to enforce their will on me just to upset me and when that didn’t work the person signed off on the situation and walked away. You see,my I don’t care attitude helped me to love myself more than I did wanting just any type of relationship. It became what I needed in a healthy way. I can’t change how someone acts but I can change giving them my energy. I can’t change being mistreated or even hurt but I can change the dialogue. We can’t change what’s not our responsibility to change,that’s for that person to do so but what we can do is change our perspective. We can claim our energy and we can claim our positive I don’t care attitude. We owe it to ourselves to do our best to create healthy boundaries and that means not caring or giving your life to something that is costing you yours!