White Fragility

It amazes me that black people are told to mute our feelings on racism because it makes others uncomfortable! Nevermind that these “others” have benefitted from our uncomfortableness for over 400 years. Why do we keep allowing them comfort at the expense of out turmoil? I’m not saying we should be a jackass because we can be but what I don’t understand is why we feel the need to sympathize with those who have made it known they wouldn’t do the same for us.

A while ago I had a conversation with someone who said that she believes All Lives Matters and that she was mad about George Floyd’s brother getting a folded flag because he hadn’t served although his death, sadly, was one of a huge sacrifice that he didn’t sign up for. It saddens me to know that she was more concerned about the flag than the human that lost his life. She did say that she didn’t agree with what happened but her 1st issue was the flag. I guess I would understand it better if I had served my country but at the same time so many black and brown people have served and are still treated like 2nd class citizens compared to their counterparts. Black and brown people have died for this country, have been traumatized for this country, have lost limbs and their mental capacity for this country only to be looked at as monsters and criminals. How can we All Lives Matter if time and time again and for over 400 years the lives of black and brown people have been hung, killed,pulled apart, damaged, and sacrificed with little acknowledgement when it comes to our counterparts. Where are ALM when we are gunned down? Where are they when we go missing? Where were they when our ancestors were jumping off ships and boats? Where were they when land was being taken, houses and business being burned, kids being bombed? Why didn’t they make noise when someone worshipped with church members only to turn around and kill them? Other than loudly spewing ALM whenever they see someone post BLM,what is it that they do?

I like to think I’m a well rounded, intelligent woman so I’m always mistified when someone talks about black on black crime as if all races don’t commit crime? What annoys me even more is the way people justify crimes outside of the black community. Telling me that white people commit crimes in lower ratings than black people does nothing for me other than make me realize just how far people will go to come out smelling like roses. A crime is a crime no matter who is doing it also people commit crimes within the area/community that they live which means white people commit crimes within their communities just as black people do, just as hispanics do, just as Asians do, etc, etc, etc. I mean,I don’t know how many of those communites outside of the white ones, commit mass killings in schools, movie theaters,malls, large gatherings, or churches but I’m sure they do….. I’d hate to generalize a whole group of people based on a few bad apples.

I mean,why do we,as the oppressed, have to go out our way to make others feel comfortable in either their racism or their lack of believing that it exists? Why are told to remain mute as if our silence is for our protection when really it’s for the comfort of others? When we’re silently protesting it’s uncomfortable, when we’re standing with our fists high in the air it’s uncomfortable, when we are peacefully protesting it’s uncomfortable…..it’s nothing that black or brown people can do to make the willingly uncomfortable people comfortable because they don’t want to be. They have become so accustomed to getting their way that when we continue to talk about our generational issues with systematic racism, they become defensive and instead chose to tell us to let it go or even more ironic they tell us how they were able to pick themselves up their bootstraps and make something out of nothing. What’s absolutely disgusting about that mindset is the thought that they ignore the huge fact that their skin color didn’t play a role in them having to pick themselves up by their bootstraps, their circumstances did. Black and brown people have to make bootstraps to pull themselves up with and then they have to watch as those same nothing to something counterparts with less qualifications are hired and promoted. Studies have shown that if you take a white person and a black person with the same credit and other financial history that the white person would still be given a better deal than the black person. So why wouldn’t that happen in the workforce, in the judicial system, in health care, in all aspects of life? Don’t tell us to pull ourselves up by the bootstraps when those straps are made of cloth and not leather.

Please don’t fake your comfortability in addressing racism by using your token black friends, black family members, black celebrities, or black personalities. We are tired of you telling us about Candace Owens, Ben Carson, Kanye, Hershel Walker, or any other black person who happily throws their black community under the bus for the approval of their counterparts. Understand that those people do not speak for the majority of us, in fact they speak for you which is why you can tell us all about them without hesitation. They make you feel comfortable in your racism and ignorance and so you become uncomfortable when a black or brown person loudly and proudly calls you out on your crap. I’m at this point that whenever someone brings up any of those names I roll my eyes because I already know where this “debate” is headed in fact most of us do. It’s more upsetting that we have to have that conversation over and over again and even more so we hate that those people are you constant go to when saying you’re not a racist.

We no longer care to make racist or ignorant people feel comfortable. You can’t keep hoping we will remain mute for your comfort. You should feel uncomfortable knowing that you have the intelligence and mental capacity to know that black and brown people are being treated unfairly yet to chose not to do anything about it. What should bother you, is your desire to be so comfortable that you prefer to remain silent than to possibly be shunned by your superficial friends, family, and whoever you feel emotionally in debt to. It’s ironic that your racism or ignorance is what’s actually causing us to become louder and thus reinforcing your uncomfortability. Being silent doesn’t keep us from being killed by those sworn to protect us nor does the police killing us make you feel uncomfortable enough to acknowledge that their is a problem and so we will continue to be loud, to be courageous, and to make you feel uncomfortable because “WE’RE BLACK AND WE’RE PROUD”

Domestic Violence

I usually only post videos under another category on my site but since October is Domestic Violence Awareness,I decided to post it under my blog. #domesticviolence, #violence, #mentalabuse, #physicalabuse, #financialabuse, #spiritualabuse, #domesticviolenceawarenessmonth, #october, #victim, #abuser, #community, #educate, #secrets, #control

A heavy heart

I woke up this morning with a heart so heavy that I immediately prayed instead of doing it my usual time. Breonna Taylor’s death and the conclusion of it is such a hard blow to not only her family and loved ones but to most of the world. I’m so beyond disappointed in the system but that’s not new,I think at this point I’m utterly disgusted with it and with those who think that it’s equal and just.

Breonna Taylor and her boyfriend were sleeping in bed when police officers decided to shoot first and ask questions later. Thinking that it was intruders the boyfriend decides to shoot (Kentucky is an open carry state as well as a state that believes in stand your ground) and in the midst of all of Breonna Taylor lost her life. The AG is saying that the police didn’t enforce a No Knock Warrant but I don’t believe that at all. The AG is saying that Breonna’s boyfriend had a previous run-in with one of the officers but I can’t remember if guns were part of that scenario or not. It seems to me that if this officer had past issues with the boyfriend than he shouldn’t have been a part of this particular case. It also seems ironic that no matter the situation somehow someone comes forward with a story to collaborate with the officers rather it be a gun found,drugs,etc. It’s repetitive and at this point expected.

This piece of jackass decided to not only drag his feet on this case but he also didn’t have the balls to handle it as he should. One thing I can’t stand is a man without a backbone but even more so, a black man without one. In case y’all didn’t know by now,I’m 💯% pro-black but that doesn’t mean that I’m anti-white. What it mean for me is that I love being black and I will always support my black community. I said that because of what I’m about to say now…this AG is married to a white woman,and that’s fine because love is love,but a lot of people including myself, always wonder if that makes a person bias when it comes to racism. After just writing that,I also realize a lot of people of the minority community either were raised or eventually decided that embracing the majority culture at the expense of their own was a better way to be. I understand that we all have to adopt to our environment, including myself but I have never done it at the expense of my blackness or my black community. AG Daniel Cameron is a whole jackass who has the nerve to tell black people that as a black man he understands how we feel! For someone who understands it he darn sure didn’t handle it like one who gets it does. I’ve said it several times but I’ll say it again,Black women are the least protected beings on this earth and Breonna Taylor’s case definitely proves that. The biggest threat to a black woman is a black man with no backbone and a black man who wishes he was white.

A lot has come out about this case from the way the police handled it to them attempting to have Breonna’s ex boyfriend sign a deal saying she knew about his drug deals to the DA being married to Mitch McConnell’s granddaughter (ironically Mitch is a mentor to AG Daniel Cameron) so how anyone could believe that how this case ended was justified is beyond my decent,non racist being, human thought process. The fact that anyone can justify all of these killings of black people is also beyond my comprehension. If people would stand for us with the same energy they use to culturally appropriate use than we would have more of a equal playing field.

The whole system is jacked up, from the Donald Trump on down. I’m fact he’s a blantant racist. He makes sure to protect the cops no matter the situation. He also makes sure to add the narrative about “white people too”. I’ve yet to hear him condemn police brutality,the KKK,acts of racism,or anything else. At this point if you still believe in him than you’re a racist and only God can tell me otherwise.

Breonna Taylor’s death didn’t go over well so why would the conclusion be received with warmth? The people to blame for this travesty are AG Cameron,the officers,the DA,and Donald Trump. My heart and prayers go out to all of those who have been touched by her life including those whose life she helped to save. She didn’t deserve to die and she most certainly didn’t deserve to not get the justice she rightly owed to her.

Tales of a “GHETTO” Keto-Pescatarian

Wheewwww it’s been a minute since I’ve written about my new lifestyle but if you read my post from a few days than you know I’ve been super busy with life! But I’m back and ready to give y’all some encouragement and a recipe.

I’ll start with the food first. I made blackened shrimp in garlic Alfredo sauce with pasta zero noodles. I made this meal because my stepmom had given me the sauce but because I don’t care for Alfredo sauce I was tempted to throw it away until I thought of how to make it into my own. So I seasoned my $5 bag of shrimp from Walmart with blackened seasoning and some Boom Boom shrimp sauce that I also got from Walmart for around $3. I poured the Alfredo sauce into a container and added some old Bay and creole seasoning as well as some pepper. I let both the sauce and the shrimp sit overnight in the seasonings so it could marinate into deliciousness! I sauteed the shrimp along with some mushrooms and onions in some coconut oil and put it to the side. In making the pasta zero,I just followed the directions on the back of the bag. When the noodles were done,I added the shrimp and the sauce to it and added some parm cheese and y’all I was in GHETTO Keto-Pescatarian heaven! The various seasonings really popped in my mouth!

Know you know I’m not the one to lecture you if you’ve fallen off the Keto-Pescatarian lifestyle so just start over when you’re ready and set small goals that you are comfortable with. I’ll be the first to admit that I had a biscuit a while ago and I refused to feel 100% bad about it. I can’t say that I wish I hadn’t had it because I was hungry and needed something to eat while on my way to my training class. The key to that is not being hard on yourself for being human and figure out a way to make it up. You can fast longer than you usually would or exercise harder or longer the next day. Also,don’t forget to drink your water,keep a positive attitude,and only compete with what you did the day before.

I also encourage you all to talk to your doctor about taking a multivitamin because,in my opinion,it’s definitely needed the older you get. I can tell the difference in my body when I take mine vs when I don’t. When I don’t take it,my body just seems to lag leaving me feel like I have no energy and my mind doesn’t seem as sharp. Remember to always consult your doctor before making major changes in your lifestyle:diet, supplements, exercise.

Remember,if you can budget for that dress than you can budget for your health!

Life’s Challenges

I know it’s been a while since I’ve written but y’all a sista has been super busy. This virtual learning is kicking my ENTIRE behind. I promise I have an all new respect for teachers especially the ones who work with kids with any type of special needs! Anyway, how y’all doing? I decided to write on a whim because I’m a bit stressed. My plate is overflowing with responsibilities of life. I have a 5 year old who is ADHD with signs of autism,a 6 year old with GI issues,and I’m trying to save the world!

My 5 year old is the sweetest thing ever but she’s runs circles around us with her hyper behavior. In all honesty we knew something was different about her in comparison to all our other children (she’s the 8th in line) and when he preschool,her OT,and her ST pointed it out to us,we knew we needed to get her tested. We were hesitant because,as a whole, the medical community tends to label black and brown kids with ADHD more often than they don’t but we knew that we had to be more open-minded on this subject because of how she acts. As we figured,it was confirmed that she is indeed ADHD with hints of autism, although we still have to get her officially for that. We declined giving her meds but we did do some research and found that a lot of times ADHD and autism go hand in hand. Thankfully,we also have found some resources to help us with different things to calm her down and help her focus. She also has an IEP(Individualized Education Program)which helps us as parents and her teachers to set goals for her based on her needs. During the day or every other day,dad and I switch who sits with her while in class because she definitely drains us! LoL! We’re learning how to be the best for her, ourselves,and each other.

Our 6 year old was born having stomach issues. He has a very difficult time pooping on his own. At 3 days old he had to have a colostomy bag! He’s been in and out the hospital since then and now he freaks out whenever he sees a needle but at this point I can’t say that I blame him. We’re at the hospital right now and have been since 6am so he could have Botox shots in his behind. The reason being that we’re hoping it’ll help prevent him from tightening up when it’s time to poop. It seems like he wouldn’t do that,right? But because it’s painful for him to poop,he’d rather hold onto it than actually low it to come out. We have to give him prescription Miralax,ex lax,and magnesium citrate during those times of difficulty and more than once a day. Then we also have to put a pull up on him and have him lay on top of pads just in case the poop leaks out of his pull up which usually does happen. Now keep in mind we’re doing this with 6 other kids in the house,with the exception of one they are all doing virtual learning,we still have responsibilities in and outside of the house,and we still have to make sure our 3 year old has the attention he needs. Yes, exhaustion is not even the word for how we feel. This is the 1st time our 6 year old has had to come to the hospital during Covid-19 so he had to set the Covid-19 test done and that in itself was hard to deal with. Having something pushed all into your nose is horrible but then add that to a 6 year old who is already traumatized by medical procedures and you have a mess on your hands. Thankfully,the nurse did an amazing job and he didn’t cry too long. Also,dad is an amazing caregiver and was right there in the backseat with him to hold his hand and love on him. Dad is back there now caring for our son before and after the procedure. He’s such an amazing man,dad, husband and I’m so appreciative to him. Y’all, please don’t take the health of yourselves,your kids,and those you love for granted because it’s definitely a blessing not having to deal with hospitals especially during the times we live in.

Finally,saving the world! I volunteer for Durham Crisis Response Center,where I speak to victims of DV/SA over the phone. Initially,it was face to face at the hospital but Covid-19 has changed that. It’s hard to hear the stories of abuse at any level but I love knowing that I helped that person deal with that crisis in some type of way. Even if they just want to cry while on the phone with me,I just listen to them cry and offer words of comfort. I also part of an volunteer organization called Fayetteville St Corridor Fellowship. We focus on bridging the gap of communication between the predominantly black neighborhood and the city. So we inform and encourage that corridor to fill out the census,to attend city budgeting events, and we also are working on how to improve their mindsets. As far as the city goes we let them know that we can’t be included as a means to get grants but then are forgotten once the money is given. We also inform them of what our communites need vs what they think we need. It’s very rewarding because I love giving people hope when they feel their is none. I love being a voice for people who don’t have one! I also do 2 shows on Facebook live! One is with my sister circle where we talk about pop culture, politics,and everything else under the sun. We created the group,”A Tribe Called Women” for black women and women of color as a safe space to vent and celebrate. The other live that I do is with my husband and is called,”Life after the L Word” where we talk about anything dealing with relationships:love, co-parenting,racism,kids,bills, and everything else that involves different relationships. Y’all,see how I just promoted those two Facebook groups?! LoL! Make sure you join! My last superhero movement is training to become a licensed Peer Support Specialist! This is so important to me because it involves my passion:helping people. I want to be the person that positively changes lives. I have a saying,”your current situation doesn’t have to be your destination,” I came up with that because of my own life. I thought I was always going to be the negative labels that were put on me by my family and myself. I didn’t think I could be anymore than an addict or a baby having,non college educated,black girl with different baby daddies. Let me tell y’all,I’m so much more than that. I don’t have a college education but I have an education nonetheless. I’m no longer an addict,I’m in a healthy marriage,I’m working towards fulfilling my passion,and I’m in a better space. That’s what I want to bring to my clients:hope and success as they see it.

Life comes with so many struggles but within those struggles comes triumph. I’m so thankful and happy to those who take the times out of their day to read any of my blogs because you could be doing anything else. Believe it or not being able to write my thoughts,feelings,and opinions out and have people read them brings me joy especially when I’m feeling down. My kids come with a lot but they’re more than worth the frustrations,the aftermath,the lack of sleep,and everything else but they’re amazing and inspiring to me. Saving the world is what gives me drive and makes me feel like I have a purpose. I thrive in making a positive impact on all those I cross paths with. I get tired and exhausted but I’m here y’all and I’m not going anywhere!

Turning Point

I’m at this point in my life where I simply don’t have the energy to care. I find that I’d rather have that feeling than stressing over something beyond my control especially if it doesn’t affect my life. I don’t know what happened to bring me to this turning point. That’s not completely true….a lot of things happened. Let me tell y’all about it.

I think the sparkle of it can be traced back to my childhood. Having to deal with all types of childhood trauma both at home and at school is what I think started my path of not being bothered. Of course that thought process was more out of necessity than it was willingness so I didn’t appreciate it then as I do now. Out of necessity,I had to ignore the many forms of traumas in order to focus in school and in the streets. If it did or didn’t concern me,I had to not care because I had to keep it moving either way. I also couldn’t care because people are waiting for you to show signs of emotions thus weakness so they can use it against you. As I’m writing this I can’t help but feel bad for the girl and young woman that I had to be. Street life and survival are two of the hardest things for a black woman to go thru.

Another hint of a sparkle of not caring was once again at the unhealthy expense of myself. It was the relationships I had after coming from a traumatic childhood and before I got the therapy that I needed. I was so desperate for the love that I missed growing up that I didn’t care how horrible the love was. I didn’t care about being cheated on because “he came home to me” or because “I have his heart”. I’d ignore phone calls and text messages. I’d deal with excuse after excuse,lies after lies,and lack of responsibility because I cared more about being alone than I did being treated horribly. Y’all,I was a lost soul even more so because at the time I didn’t even know it.

Therapy is what helped me change my I don’t care attitude into something more positive. I learned not to care or give energy to things that caused me harm or things I couldn’t change. The turning point came when I had to deal with a situation that made me very uncomfortable but I couldn’t do anything about. When the situation first came about I was angry and my kids suffered behind it. I had a right to be angry because I had been wronged but I didn’t have the right to project it on my kids. When I decided that I no longer cared about this person’s actions or words over my own valid thoughts,I begin to realize I had the strength to control the situation more than I thought and so I did. This person’s words didn’t bother me ,it was nothing they couldn’t or couldn’t do that would get me out of character. It got to the point where this person tried to enforce their will on me just to upset me and when that didn’t work the person signed off on the situation and walked away. You see,my I don’t care attitude helped me to love myself more than I did wanting just any type of relationship. It became what I needed in a healthy way. I can’t change how someone acts but I can change giving them my energy. I can’t change being mistreated or even hurt but I can change the dialogue. We can’t change what’s not our responsibility to change,that’s for that person to do so but what we can do is change our perspective. We can claim our energy and we can claim our positive I don’t care attitude. We owe it to ourselves to do our best to create healthy boundaries and that means not caring or giving your life to something that is costing you yours!

Tales os a “GHETTO” Keto-Pescatarian

Welcome to another week of this “GHETTO” girls Keto-Pescatarian blog. How’s your meal prep, exercise,and overall feelings going? Let me tell y’all,we have 7 kids in our house and all them,with the exception of 1,are doing virtual learning. The older kids have it under control but the kindergartner and the first grader are definitely a challenge. Shout out to all of us who are holding it down with these kids!!

I’ll start off with what I cooked. Sunday is when I cook my Southern food. Even though I’ve changed my dietary lifestyle,I still love cooking my family good soul food. On Sunday I made smothered cubed steak,collard greens,and yellow rice for them and for me I had hamburger and gravy with a nice side salad and buttery cauliflower rice. The brand of “meat” I used is called Lightlife crumples that I got from Harris Teeter for about $4. I seasoned it and added an egg and some almond flour to hold it together. I placed the burger on the stove using coconut spray and let it cool until it was done. I then put it in the oven and topped it with some beefy onion season gravy and put it in the oven at 350 degrees for about 15 minutes. Y’all it was amazingly delicious!

My next meal is spaghetti and meatballs! I used Gardein brand meatballs,which are already seasoned to my liking and about $5. Instead of regular noodles I used Nasoya brand pasta which was about $3. I didn’t do anything spectacular with this. I followed the directions on the back of both products to make it and mixed the meatballs with the noodles and some spaghetti sauce. I usually use pizza sauce because it’s slightly less in carbs but I didn’t have any so substituted it. I added some parm cheese and had a side of salad (one of my favorite foods is salad) and y’all I was in Keto-Pescatarian heaven!

I know this lifestyle change is something new and challenging but it’s so worth it. I’ve lost a lot of weight and that’s with me having to stop working out due to homeschooling. I’m going to start back but I have to find the time to do so because y’all……it’s a battle with everything that’s going on to keep up with the health needs of myself but I will do it! Life is a journey of ups and downs and it’s how we react to the downs that keep us going.

Remember if you can’t budget for that dress than you can budget for your health!

Your words and your actions.

First I want to say that we lost an amazing black actor who made us feel like we were right there with Jackie Robinson, Thurgood Marshall,and James Brown. In the black culture,he played a huge role in wanting us to pack our belongings and move to this fictional Wakanda. In Black Panther,we saw how beautiful and diverse we were and are as a people. Chadwick, embodied what it was to be a strong black man who loved a strong black woman. He will be missed by all of us but especially his wife, family,and friends. We lost someone beautiful both inside and out and he will always be remembered.

I posted the above images for a few reasons. The first being that even though he was fighting colon cancer, he was still able to give those encouragement with his words and despite knowing he would be ridiculed,he still made a video. Do you know how much passion and dedication it had to take to show just how fragile you had become? Most of us won’t even take a pic without being in the right light but this man had the courage to go live in order to be encouraging. This is something that should put perspective into our lives. It should help us to worry more about our goals than we worry about the opinions and thoughts of others.

Chadwick was diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer in 2016 which means he probably had cancer before then but didn’t realize it. Since 2016 he’s made 10 movies,one of which is TBA (To Be Announced). Also let me add that his friends and family that knew he was sick also kept that secret to themselves. Anyway,he couldn’t have been feeling well every moment of every day that he was on set,yet he was still able to give himself 100% to every scene he was in. He gave interviews and appeared on various TV shows all while keeping his health issues to himself. He preservered through the pain in order to give us, his culture,his best. Listen k,I don’t know about you but looking at his example,I’m determined to keep giving my best with every blog,with every hour I do volunteer work,and for every person I deal with no matter what I have going on. His example makes me want to continue to work on my passion no matter the roadblocks.

Finally and even more importantly,I want to address those who talked about his weight loss in a negative way. I never saw him during his weight loss but apparently those who did were making jokes about him being a crack head,as if being addicted to drugs was anything to laugh at. Since his death I saw different people addressing those who had negative comments about his weight loss. This got me to thinking about my own verbal attacks in middle and high school. I was severely abused during those years of middle and high school. I had been beat so badly that I had to go to the hospital. I wasn’t fed every night and at times had to sleep in an enclosed back porch. I was also verbally attacked being called anything from a ho to a bitch. I wasn’t given the same name brand shoes or clothes as my siblings and because I didn’t have the know how,my hair wasn’t kept up like others so needless to say school was hard. I was smart and nice but kids in middle and high school don’t care about any of that. All that matters is your looks,your hair,your clothes,and your shoes. Nobody knew I was going thru pure hell at home only to go to school and be called ugly and be picked on. Sometimes the only time I got to eat or sleep well was at school. Having to face name calling at home and then at school made me attempt suicide a few times. I was in hell all the time and not too many people knew it. I hated being at home and I hated going to school. After a while,I became a picked on bully in high school and dared a mofo talk ish about me where I could hear it. I would stand up in the middle of class and curse you out because I had nothing to lose,my life was already hard. Those are the thoughts I had as I was looking at the posts about people taking about Chadwick’s weigh loss.

You actions and words can either make or break you and the ones you’re addressing. Your ignorance always hurts more than you think because you didn’t take the time to understand the ways before you reacted. Apologies are always helpful but sometimes it doesn’t help because the reinforced pain has already been established. It takes a lot for the victim to be able to bounce back from pain and it’s something we can’t nor shouldn’t take for granted. So remember the next time you decided to open your mouth or react negatively,that your ignorance could be the pushing point for the person you’re targeting.