If only the answers were as easy as the question

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged but I’m sure you all can understand how 2020 had me in a whirlwind of mixed emotions,more positive than negative which may be why the beginning of 2021 is trying to kick my butt.

During the pandemic,I was able to get the training needed to become a certified peer support specialist and able to get employment in that field all within 3 months! I was super excited and proud of myself for accomplishing such a wonderful goal. I have a passion for helping others who feel like they don’t matter and I love what I do but I have to admit,I was I was ignorant to so many things.

As a whole,we have a preconceived notion that we have all the answers whenever someone else’s life is presented to us…..well,in this field you learn quickly that ignorance makes you lack humility. I work with those who have mental illnesses and drug abuse issues. When I talk to them and they feel comfortable enough to tell me their life story,I always learn something different about life and myself.

This week, my family and I have had to figure out how to protect one of our kids and get help for our other child we’re protecting our 1st child from. I never understood how hard it would be to do that until now. I cringe at thinking I would know exactly what I would do and how I would do it. The truth is,now that I’m working with trauma filled people,I now understand some of the reasons they abuse drugs and sadly at this moment,I wish I didn’t. I wish I was still that ignorant person so I could just coldly throw my child to the wind and wash my hands of them. I wish I could just focus solely on my pained child. In reality,I’ve been so damaged that I know how to help and what to do with the child that’s been hurt but with the child that caused the pain….I absolutely had no clue on how to proceed and with limited resources and help,I was struggling to make the best decision that I could. Victims,if left untreated,are bound to create more victims. That’s deep right? And when you think about it,that also applies to being emotionally/mentally damaged in the past and instead of getting the help needed,you start damaging others. Ahhhhh…..the proverbial victim wheel just keeps on spinning.

Back to my hellish week. This child that hurt the other,isn’t one that I bought into this world so maybe that’s why it seems like my choices would be easier because they aren’t my biological child but that child is in my care. I went to court and everything to bring him into our home. We gave something that was lacking from their life before, unconditional and supportive love. When this incident happened, my husband and our oldest daughter were triggered. Tears were shed by both kids,my husband,and our oldest daughter. I had nor showed any emotions…. someone had to be level headed. I dropped the child who offended the other at a relatives house and began to work on loving the child who suffered. The next day I didn’t go to work, instead work was put into finding another environment for the child that caused the pain. I was on a deadline because where he was at couldn’t be long term and my other option wasn’t a productive option for the child. I was between a rock and a hard place at that point. I didn’t feel like I had anyone who actually understand my position.

As a black woman with black and brown kids,I know the system all too well. I know that foster care,jail, juvenile hall, etc, don’t help,they just provide you with the bare minimum and send you back into the world to continue being whatever you were before you went into the system and many times,you are worse coming out than you were going in. I couldn’t live with knowing that I just threw this child out into the wind without any second thoughts just because he wasn’t my biological child. Thankfully,my dad came up with a solution where I wouldn’t have to bring the child back into a house of isolation. It’s not the best solution but it’s the only solution. I’ll be more thinned out than I already am but at least it’s better than what I was going to have to do.

I reached out to someone who works in a field similar to mine and explained to her what was going on. She reached out to someone else and the both of them listened as I explained what was going on,the position I was in,and what I needed help with. Finally……I was able to talk to people who understood my position,how I felt,and who offered me resources thus a temporary moment of relief.

Being an advocate for anyone that needs help so includes being one for people in your own house. It’s more than just a slogan used for likes,comments,and follows. It requires dedication beyond your comfort zone and that’s what makes the difference between doing it for show and doing it for real. This situation has truly showed me that I’m in this field for a reason and that is to help the victims who have been thrown away. It is to help those kids and those who have been victims and are now repeating their pain. It’s to go those who are on the receiving end of that pain. I want to be the reason that hurt people,no longer hurt people because an untreated wheel will still move no matter how damaged it is. No,this child is not mine biologically but he is mine by law and when I feed him,when I clothe him,when I hug him….I don’t feel any different than I do with the children I bought into this world. Just as I would react if it was 2 of my biological kids,is the way I’m acting now. In all honesty,if I can’t advocate for my own children, biological or not,than I shouldn’t be advocating for anyone.

The world isn’t black and white,it comes with shades of uncomfortable ugliness that we foolishly ignore out of happy and blissful ignorance. I used to be able to put my rose colored glasses on and proudly proclaim that I knew how to deal with every situation that someone else was going through so I get it. So,if I have any parents who follow my blog and are or have had to figure how to help both kids than I salute you. This may be one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do but I refuse to not fight for either them no matter how it looks to the all knowing world.

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