Turning Point

I’m at this point in my life where I simply don’t have the energy to care. I find that I’d rather have that feeling than stressing over something beyond my control especially if it doesn’t affect my life. I don’t know what happened to bring me to this turning point. That’s not completely true….a lot of things happened. Let me tell y’all about it.

I think the sparkle of it can be traced back to my childhood. Having to deal with all types of childhood trauma both at home and at school is what I think started my path of not being bothered. Of course that thought process was more out of necessity than it was willingness so I didn’t appreciate it then as I do now. Out of necessity,I had to ignore the many forms of traumas in order to focus in school and in the streets. If it did or didn’t concern me,I had to not care because I had to keep it moving either way. I also couldn’t care because people are waiting for you to show signs of emotions thus weakness so they can use it against you. As I’m writing this I can’t help but feel bad for the girl and young woman that I had to be. Street life and survival are two of the hardest things for a black woman to go thru.

Another hint of a sparkle of not caring was once again at the unhealthy expense of myself. It was the relationships I had after coming from a traumatic childhood and before I got the therapy that I needed. I was so desperate for the love that I missed growing up that I didn’t care how horrible the love was. I didn’t care about being cheated on because “he came home to me” or because “I have his heart”. I’d ignore phone calls and text messages. I’d deal with excuse after excuse,lies after lies,and lack of responsibility because I cared more about being alone than I did being treated horribly. Y’all,I was a lost soul even more so because at the time I didn’t even know it.

Therapy is what helped me change my I don’t care attitude into something more positive. I learned not to care or give energy to things that caused me harm or things I couldn’t change. The turning point came when I had to deal with a situation that made me very uncomfortable but I couldn’t do anything about. When the situation first came about I was angry and my kids suffered behind it. I had a right to be angry because I had been wronged but I didn’t have the right to project it on my kids. When I decided that I no longer cared about this person’s actions or words over my own valid thoughts,I begin to realize I had the strength to control the situation more than I thought and so I did. This person’s words didn’t bother me ,it was nothing they couldn’t or couldn’t do that would get me out of character. It got to the point where this person tried to enforce their will on me just to upset me and when that didn’t work the person signed off on the situation and walked away. You see,my I don’t care attitude helped me to love myself more than I did wanting just any type of relationship. It became what I needed in a healthy way. I can’t change how someone acts but I can change giving them my energy. I can’t change being mistreated or even hurt but I can change the dialogue. We can’t change what’s not our responsibility to change,that’s for that person to do so but what we can do is change our perspective. We can claim our energy and we can claim our positive I don’t care attitude. We owe it to ourselves to do our best to create healthy boundaries and that means not caring or giving your life to something that is costing you yours!

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